My Thoughts on Thoughts

At ward choir practice last week I went through some of my usual thoughts: "Man, my voice is awful... Wow, I'm such a loser that I can't play the piano like her..." You should know something. The lady I was sitting next to has had professional training and I'm pretty sure formal education in music. She performs, teaches and has an amazing voice and amazing pitch. I'm pretty sure the lady that plays the piano also had professional training and education and charges $175/month for piano lessons. She recorded her music and gave it away as her neighbor Christmas gift and it sounds professional. Then there is me. I haven't taken a piano lesson in at least 16 years. I haven't sung with a choir (other than church) since 8th grade. Really, I have no business comparing my weak talents to the incredible talents of these women. Did I compare my accounting talent (oh, it's a talent, I promise) to theirs? I think it's funny how we are so quick to compare our worst to someone else's best. Time to ease up on myself.

I used to lay in bed at night, petrified with all the things that could go wrong. I'd imagine all the horrible things that could happen while I slept: the house could catch on fire, someone could break in, steal our stuff, steal my kids, hurt my kids, etc., etc., etc. I would worry about money and life and it was no wonder all these thoughts prolonged my falling asleep. Especially since just before I was asleep I'd jump up and go check the laundry room door. Just in case. I'd go check on Clara and Hazel. Just in case. Never mind it had all been checked before. A couple of months ago, I decided to turn my thoughts and instead of always thinking of the worst, why not think of the best? I started thinking about the things my kids do that make me smile, I think about what fun things we have going on or what fun things I could plan and I think about winning the lottery and how I'd spend my money. I'm not convinced that we can will anything into our life with positive thinking, but it sure has decreased my nightly anxiety so I fall asleep much quicker and much happier.

Although I don't think we can always will good into lives by positive thinking, I do believe paying attention to our thoughts can have a huge, huge, huge positive impact on our lives. It's interesting how so many of our thoughts aren't true. We make assumptions and since one thought can lead to another, before we know it, we are so stressed, angry, anxious, annoyed, etc. at our thoughts. I've been trying to make an extra effort to think things as they really are. It really saves me from lots of stress and I'm generally happy when I stick with this plan.

Do unicorns exist? Yes, they do.

Lazy Mornings

I don't like waking up early. I don't like rushing to get ready, eating breakfast quickly or running out the door to get somewhere by a certain time. That was one of my favorite parts of leaving full time work after Clara was born. I like to take my time. I love laying around in bed, snuggling with my kids, taking my time to make a good breakfast, eating slowly while talking and laughing with Clara and enjoying the warm, soft morning sun shining through the windows.After breakfast, I love lounging in my pj's while we play and I clean up the kitchen. In the last 5 years, there have been times where we had to get somewhere early. There were bouts of working. Last year we had school one day a week. This year we're up to three days a week, but it has always been 9am or later. I am dreading next year when we have school 5 days a week and it will be earlier. It terrifies me and tempts me to home school. I guess home schooling because I'm lazy is a bit of an oxy-moron. I also guess that means I need to prepare for the inevitable when I don't have lazy mornings. Until then, I'll continue to enjoy my lazy mornings while they last.

Here We Go Again

I found a draft post titled "Slowing Down" that had no content. Obviously I didn't slow down enough to type so much as a single word. It's still perplexing to me what my intention for that post was. At what point in the last two weeks did I have even the slightest hope that things were slowing down? Anyway, I knew this week would be on the busier side, so I made sure to take lots of pictures for a visual recap of what we've been up to.

Pantry organization
Clowsn
FHE at DQ
Eggrolls with homemade sweet and sour sauce and homemade miso soup
New treasures
Lots of blueberries to freeze
Forts (I have decided to let Clara keep stuff like this up for days. Why go to all the trouble if you can only enjoy it for a few hours? Why not enjoy it for a few days? So what if people come over? I have two little kids at home and I would rather let them enjoy our house using their imaginations than impress someone with a clean house.)
Orange stands
Eggplant parmesean. This was DELICIOUS. Seriously. I could do a whole post on this one. Jason got seconds and took leftovers for lunch. This is a big deal folks. He loves his meat and while he eats fruits and vegetables, he rarely enjoys a vegetarian meal to this extent. It was exciting at the very least. Here is the recipe I used. The marinara part of it was equally good. I will say I think the portions were a little off for everything. Or maybe I just had way less eggplant than it called for. I made less marinara than it called for (I used 3 14.5 oz cans of diced or stewed tomatoes) and still ended up freezing half of it it. I also didn't do two layers of the eggplant. And I ate about 10 pieces of the eggplant after I fried it. I think I might try doing eggplant sandwiches with the fried stuff.
Working late
Orange + mint chocolate cookie = perfect Midnight snack
Still eating banans
Preschool program on winter/cold lessons
Chik-fil-a
Yardwork
Walk/enjoying our beautiful weather (Clara brought a book so she wouldn't get bored and read it multiple times - each time she started over, the story changed)
Play makeup
Sleeping baby
Clara had Hazel stand on the box flap then pushed her all around the room. That little girl and her ingenuity.
Girl? I meant horse. And this is her barn.
She also loves to push Hazel around in our new car.

Not sure why so many of my pictures were of food... but, that's what we've been up to.

1 2 3 4 tell me that you love me more

We don't normally do much by way of celebrating our anniversary. But since I'm turning over a new leaf these days and trying not to be so practical and boring, we decided to do something a little different this year. Originally I hoped for a little weekend getaway, but decided since we've never left our kids (I left Clara with Jason once for a night...), we'd ease into that slowly and stay somewhere local. Lucky us, our friend works at the Arizona Grand Resort. The property of the resort is pretty amazing. Everything is, well, grand and the architecture is so very dramatic.

We started our celebration with dinner at Aunt Chilada's. I was expecting a delicious meal and did not care for my food one bit, or Jason's for that matter. I'm pretty sure Jason's shredded beef was canned and I'm pretty certain my tilapia was not fresh (I'm a fish snob - it's got to be fresh {or fried, ha!} to be good). I was really bummed. I can handle sub par food that's cheap, and excellent food that's pricey, but pricey sub par food? That irritates me.

Fortunately, things got better from there. Our room, or villa as they called it, was very nice. The timing of our little date was poor. Jason has probably worked more this week than any other week in the last year. I've worked more this week than any other week for probably 6 months. Needless to say, from about 8:00pm on, we were both fighting to stay awake. On the bright side, I suppose it was good timing because we got to sleep in and relax Saturday morning.

When we did wake up (I'll be honest, I was paranoid I would sleep too long, so I woke up at 6am... then 7am... and then got up at 8am), we had a nice conversation about us, our kids and life. I am so grateful that we agree on so many things when it comes to parenting. For starters, we both woke up with the same thought: one night was plenty, we were ready to get back to our kids. We have happy, fun, easy, good kids and as of now, don't feel an urgent desire to "get away". Not to mention seeing them enjoy things alongside us means double the fun.

As much as we missed our kids, we decided this is a good annual tradition. Having so much time to visit and relax alone was quite enjoyable. Maybe next time, we might even leave town. If not, it won't matter as long as we're together.

Working Mom

I've been doing some onsite work this week for a client. Whenever I start this up again, I reflect heavily on being a working mom. I will never forget the first time I left Clara for a day to work. Karen asked if I could help her out at Total Transit (aka Discount Cab) and while I had no intention of ever leaving my kids to work, I was faced with a very difficult choice: work or not pay our mortgage. We'd depleted our savings and our mortgage for that Utah house was more than our combined mortgages for our current house and our old house. Jason's income had gone down 40% and he wasn't having any luck finding a part time job. I'd been praying ever so fervently for our house to sell when I got the impression that perhaps I should pray for a way to bear that burden instead of remove that burden. Shortly after, the opportunity came and I was filled with gratitude that while the burden wasn't gone, our backs were strengthened to carry the burden a little longer.

Back to that day. Karen showed me what to do in my cube and when she left, I remembered thinking, "What am I doing here?" It felt so odd to return to the only lifestyle I'd known before Clara was born - nearly 2 years prior. I felt like I was living a double life. The project lasted for a few months and while it was only 2 days a week and Clara was mostly with Jason and occasionally with my mom on the days I worked, it was hard for me. I felt like a failure. I felt like I was destroying my hopes of being a good mom. I felt like I'd betrayed my 19 year old college self that told my communications class at ASU that my goal was to be a stay-at-home mom while everyone else rattled off career goals.

Shortly after that project, I was engaged to do another project that ended up lasting almost 2 years. It allowed us to pay for our mortgages until the Utah house sold. It allowed us to save for a new home, one we actually got to live in and enjoy. And it helped me reflect on and redefine my ideal situation as a mother. I realized that I really like to work and that in moderation, working at a client's here and there does not decrease my mothering score. It doesn't lessen my involvement in my kids' lives and it helps me refocus and have more fun when I'm not working. It provides me with an opportunity to earn a little extra money for our family (or for my camera, ha ha), it gives the kids some time with other people (I especially love it when they get time with Grandma) and it keeps me from ever feeling burnt out as a mom. Better yet, this time around, and when I worked several months ago, I have committed to short days, so I get to take Clara to school at 9am and am home around 4pm. That allows us time to run to the grocery store, make dinner and play. It's a happy balance for me. It's not permanent, just a few days here and there during busy times of the year. I have said I think I could handle working one day a week for a long period of time, but I'm not so sure about that anymore. I enjoy my 2-4 week bouts of working a few short days a week. I also enjoy my 2-4 month bouts of not working onsite.

What sparked this torrential downpour of thoughts was reading an article in Working Mothers magazine that said, "81% of working moms and 66% of stay-at-home moms say one of the ingredients of being a good mother is showing your children that women can succeed professionally." Sometimes I wish I could talk to magazines/news articles/blogs/books/etc. To this I would have said, "I too think it's important to show your children that women can succeed professionally, but showing your children that you choose staying home over pursuing that professional success is a noble, worthy endeavor. "

This Baby - 13 Months

Hazel's personality is getting more extreme. She's happier when she's happy and grumpier when she's grumpy, which is why we're all glad she is mostly happy. Let's be honest, she is a super good baby. She's curious and busy too, so by good I don't mean she'll sit still and play with one toy for an hour. By good I mean she really doesn't cry, she is still good if she doesn't get her naps and she loves everyone so she doesn't cry when I leave. Sometimes she'll throw a fit when someone leaves her. Like when we dropped Angela off today, she started screaming. Even still, she's finished with her screams just as quickly as she starts. And let's also set something else straight. She is good, but she's also still learning to handle the devastation when told "no". She's already mastered throwing her head back, arching her back and screeching as loud as she can when she doesn't get her way. Part of me thinks it's hysterical and the other part of me is horrified.

She really has absolutely no desire to walk. She won't even stand if I hold her up. She'll let her legs collapse or jump up and down. I'm beginning to think she won't walk before Clara's age of 14 months. She has, however, started to shake her bum quite a bit when she crawls. It appears this requires much more effort on her part, yet she doesn't move any quicker than before.

She eats bananas super fast. Like, I'll lay one down, whole, go get something from the fridge and abracadabra, the banana is gone. Now we know her and Lucas have something in common. I'm not sure if I'm more fascinated by how fast she eats it or by the fact that she says, "nana". (Or maybe by the fact that she talks this soon period?)

Jason and I laugh every time she says "nack". She doesn't say it softly, it's very crisp, loud and deliberate. She'll easily trick anyone into thinking she's always starving.

She still screams when I lay her down to change her diaper. She can be the happiest baby in the world, but once she realizes I'm going to change her diaper, she starts to scream. She also screams when I brush her teeth. I have to hover over her with her head between my knees, otherwise she turns from side to side and it's near impossible to get the toothbrush in her mouth. Recently she's learned that if she bites on the toothbrush, I can't brush her teeth. So she'll bite on it and just stare at me.

When she was sick, the first few times she hated having her nose wiped. But after that, I would say, "Blow your nose," and she'd hold still while I wiped her little snotty face.

She can finally - kind of - suck from a straw.

She still claps for "more" and this is how she signs "finished".

I've recently discovered that she LOVES her shoulders and back massaged. Not just rubbed/tickled, but firm massage. It puts her in a trance, gives her the goosebumps and the other day, it practically made her fall asleep in my arms while I sang to her before her nap. She has not fallen asleep in my arms in probably 10 months.

On the 24th, I said, "Cheese!" to take a picture and she looked up at me, smiled and said, "eeshe." I took a picture of it, but it's so blurry you can't even tell she has a mouth, let alone that her mouth is saying something. See?

But she does have a mouth! And a sword!

She doesn't like milk. Clara didn't either. Guess after 12+ months of mother's milk, it's hard to downgrade to a cow. :) And yes, for all those wondering, I'm still nursing. There is a peace of mind that comes from knowing she's still getting a fatty, nutrient rich substance twice a day. It also rids me of some guilt if her daily intake doesn't include as many fruits and vegetables as it should.

After 13 months of loving this baby, it's hard to believe it's only been 13 months. I don't think I could love her more, not even if I hand-picked her myself.

Weekly Wrap-up

This week felt so busy. My days were filled with irregular things so I didn't have my usual time to get my regular things done. I usually get the most done Tuesday through Thursday. Hazel sleeps most of the time Clara is at school so I exercise, study my scriptures, make my bed, clean the kitchen, shower and work during those few hours. Once that's out of the way, I can spend the rest of my day with my kids, running errands, making dinner, etc. If I have a lot of work to do, I'll do it in the afternoon during Hazel's nap and Clara's quiet time. Anyway, my point is, if I don't have that one or two block of time to get things done, I get really behind, which is what happened this week. There were a few days that from the time I took Clara to preschool, I didn't have a second in the day that I wasn't a.) somewhere else or b.) at home with someone at my house until dinner time. It wasn't necessarily a bad thing, just a little crazy.

On top of a slightly unusual week, I have had a serious lack of motivation. That, however, has been going on pretty much this entire month of January. I have picked up a few new clients, I have previous clients needing help, I have month-end and year-end stuff to work on, I have showers to plan and prepare for, I have to figure out what to do with school for Clara next year, I have my house to get cleaned and organized and all I can manage to do is sit around, hang out with friends, waste time on my computer and pretend I have not a care in the world.

Saturday morning I finally found a bit of motivation and felt like I accomplished so much. Finally. I'm hoping I have many days like Saturday next week. For starters, we went to Dunkin' Donuts to celebrate that Clara turned 5 years and one month old. She said, "Aren't you glad we could celebrate because I'm 5 years and 1 inches tall?" Yeah, something like that, Sweety, or maybe I'm just lazy and really wanted a donut. Seriously though, I spent the rest of the day accomplishing things on my to do list. A little fun, a little personal, a little family and a little work. I made dinner, cleaned the kitchen and had the kids in bed by 8pm. Then I folded 6 loads of laundry.

Thoughts from the week:

At church we sat behind a woman recently widowed. As I looked endearingly at Jason 3 feet away, I couldn't help but feel so sad for. How she must mourn for her companion. Someone to hold her, love her, talk to her, kiss her, etc., etc. I'd be so lonely. Just the thought makes my heart ache.

Politics kind of drive me nuts. For starters, I can not stand attack ads. I think it's so childish to run ads that bash other candidates. Everyone does it and while I see sometimes it's important to shed some light on things that have happened, I wish everyone would find a more tactful way. There's also two people in our ward running for the same position. Awkward.

I still have not decided where to put Clara for school. It's stressing me out. I did narrow it from 3 to 2 choices, so that's progress at least. Decisions that might strongly influence the future drive me nuts. I think my decision is going to come down to whether having a shorter day (an hour and a half shorter) is worth a tougher curriculum. I don't think I'm as worried about Clara struggling with a stricter curriculum as I am - I'm lazy, remember?

Life is good. Sometimes I get worried if I'm not dealing with a trial, because I assume that means it won't be long until something happens. I realized, however, that part of life isn't being subjected to trials every minute. Life has it's ups and downs and it's okay to enjoy the ups while they last.

Jason is losing his mind. All night he's been saying and doing really obnoxious things and then laughs like George McFly. Apparently that's a guy from Back to the Future? I have no clue what he's talking about so I just watch him laugh like a weirdo and then laugh hysterically at himself. Of course that makes me laugh. Tonight he said maybe Clara's pillow pet is hibernating when we couldn't find it. Don't worry, it's an elephant and Clara was quick to remind Jason, "Elephants don't hibernate!" He also, very seriously, suggested maybe he ate it. Oh, and I can't forget when I said, "I can feel where my stomach muscles separated." And he said, "That's just your fat rolls." Or when I shivered and he asked me if I just peed my pants.

Pictures from the week:

Not sure why, but I let Clara stay in our bed all night for the first time of her life

Hazel sporting her leg warmers

Dunkin Donuts
AMY with cousins
How many Anna's can you see?
Third and final year Clara is going to wear this Christmas dress

Good night.

Thoughts from My Day

There's a dad that usually drops his daughter off at Clara's preschool. Jason leaves 2-3 hours before preschool starts. This morning I thought about what it would that be like to have Jason home when I wake up AND for breakfast AND to take Clara to school? Weird, but awesome. Because Jason leaves so early he gets a half-asleep kiss from me laced with morning breath. Lucky him.

In the very near future, I will have used my Bosch, my food processor, my wheat grinder and my giant pressure cooker within a 12 hour period. What would life be like without modern conveniences?

I had so much to do today I wrote down a schedule of what I needed to be doing every minute of the day. So far, I'm on track {hence the blogging break, which by the way, was no on my schedule}. I thought the chaos in my life was supposed to subside as the holidays passed by. Why hasn't it?

I have spent a ridiculous amount of time researching and observing schools for Clara to go to and stressing over the decision. It made me think of an article I glanced at talking about the affect of having more options in life and whether it really makes things better. Why does everything have to be so complicated?

Now I need to get back on schedule... but I am exhausted and would rather sit here and stare out my kitchen window and do nothing, not even blog. Too bad there's no time for that today. Maybe tomorrow?

Green Smoothies

My green smoothies are not fancy. But usually they are good and always full of spinach. You can use other greens, but I mostly stick to spinach. If I drank them every day, I would mix it up. And if you need exact measurements, you may want to go somewhere else because I have never measured a single ingredient for my smoothies. Hence the reason they are usually good.

liquid (I use vanilla soy milk, rice milk, water or {rarely} pineapple juice)

spinach (about 2 GIANT hand fulls)

fruit

I blend the spinach into the liquid for a few minutes. Then I add my fruit and blend until smooth. Sometimes the fruit is frozen, sometimes it's not. If I use the soy milk, sometimes all I add is a banana and it's awesome. Sometimes I add an avocado or coconut milk for extra creamy and fattening smoothies. (We like fat around here.) I have learned because bananas are such a strong, sweet flavor, they mask any and all hint of spinach. (Which makes it more likely that the husband will enjoy it, the kids don't mind the spinach.) I also think bananas taste better if they have been frozen. That could be my imagination, but it could also be that they are riper than the green ones I usually have available to eat. Sometimes I'll do strawberries and bananas, sometimes peaches, sometimes just berries, sometimes tropical fruit, etc. Also, I really only buy my spinach at Costco. It's organic and a giant tub is the same price as a little bag from the grocery store. However, I rarely am able to use the entire tub before it goes bad, so I take the remaining spinach, shove it into a ziploc and freeze it. It tastes just the same in a smoothie. You can't really go wrong. Okay, yes you can, but if you use common sense, it makes going wrong slightly more difficult.

In other food news, I have been doing really, really great at making and sticking to my dinner plans. For two weeks, I've stuck to my plan. Prior to that, I'd been averaging probably one real meal a week for a month (oh, December). I think the trick for me is to have good items on the menu so I have more of a desire to make them. The other night I made pizza and it was SO good. I did a few BBQ chicken (bbq sauce, mozzarella, chicken and red onion) and a few mushroom (homemade red sauce {canned tomatoes, spinach & spices}, mozzarella and mushrooms). They were both delicious.

Last night I made the roasted root vegetable salad that I love. The turnips were from our garden (see the fresh dirt on their roots?) so that was fun.

Jason and I didn't think it was the best batch of it that I've made, but Hazel couldn't eat it fast enough. She also took the time to pick every single grain of rice off her plate. Beets, carrots, parsnips, turnips and wild rice, she loved every single bite. A few stow away grains of rice fell off her as I set her into the tub. You better believe she snatched that rice right out of the water the second she noticed it and gobbled it up.

Family Dynamics

Our family dynamics are a little unusual. For starters, there are nine of us. Not unheard of, but not the norm. Another thing that's a bit different is the spacing between my siblings. None of us are closer than 2 years apart, most closer to 3 years and there's even a 6 year gap between #7 and #8. This all translates into the perfect storm for me. I have sisters that are done having kids so they love holding my kids. I have nieces that are a little older so they are super helpful when they are around. And I have Lily, the youngest of the 9, and the funnest aunt around.Note: The stroller, wheel chair and wagon were all tied together. This is how the kids rode to the park to play. And yes, this type of things is common, very common, when Lily is involved.

Family Thoughts

Paris Hilton thought she was cool for carrying her dog in her purse. I thought I was cooler for carrying Hazel in mine.Clara thought Hazel needed to wear dress up. Obviously she thought it was a good idea.I thought it was about time Hazel gets the nails on her chubby little toes painted.
We thought we only had mammoth lemons around here. Turns out this year we have mammoth oranges instead.
Clara thought she would set the house up for a party and hung candy canes everywhere (that I didn't know about until after she'd gone to bed).
I thought I was super smart cutting off the tip of a sippy cup so Hazel could drink her green smoothie with ease. After she threw her cup and green smoothie splashed across the floor and up onto the couch, I realized I wasn't super smart.
I thought my red tights looked great (let's look past the filthy dirty mirror, please). Jason thought otherwise.
We all thought our tomato plant would have died long ago. It thought it would just keep on giving us delicious cherry tomatoes so we don't complain.
Clara thought she'd get creative with her signature on her thank you cards. I thought we'd have them all handed out by now, but we don't.