Last Day of Kindergarten

Clara's last day of Kindergarten was May 22nd. It's been a good year and we've been happy with Clara's school. She loved her teachers (her main teacher, the full time aide and the reading specialist) and she seriously learned so much more than I would have imagined. Math, reading, spelling, telling time and I think I was most impressed with the grammar they learned. You might recall that I had a terrible time trying to decide where to put her in school. On top of having to only go half-day, she learned above and beyond and had a lot of fun, so I felt like her school was good all around. I hope next year is just as positive, even if she does have to stay all day. She's just looking forward to getting to bring her lunch.

I had Clara make her teachers cards for the last day and they were awesome. Mostly about hope and love. The one in the middle says "happy gragwashon" which obviously is intended to be graduation. I made her sound it out. That one was for the reading teacher and I imagine she loved seeing a Kindergartner's phonetic spelling of the word graduation. Pretty good if you ask me.

We couldn't leave in the morning without taking pictures. 

Clara is such an awesome little kid and she's constantly making me smile with her spunky little attitude. 

As she jumped out of the car, I laughed inside, mentally contrasting it to the first day of school, when all the parents stood with cameras watching their kids on the playground from behind a fence. 

Clara was obviously pretty excited about the whole thing.

Clara and her diploma and her main teacher, Mrs. Haschke.

Afterwards we went to an early lunch at Cracker's with my mom. Hazel was "Coloring really fast" and made the funniest face while she colored back and forth vigorously.

And then just like that, our summer began. I love summer. It's like a continuous party that I never want to end. Why do we have to be responsible? 

Keirsten's Baby Shower

On May 4, I got to help with the food for sister-in-law Keirsten's baby shower. I love planning and preparing food for parties. In addition to the fruit, mini quiche and mini breakfast burritos that others brought, I did the 4 pounds of bacon, 72+ mini fruit pizzas, cucumber/spinach sandwiches, 72+ mini lemon meringue pies (all from scratch, even the crust, my first time doing meringue and very delicious), 5 dozen chocolate covered strawberries, 8 dozen donut holes and 3 gallons of fresh lemonade. I sure love making parties have good food.

Since then, baby Avery was born, healthy and sweet.

My Yester{yester}day (aka Tuesday)

I woke up around 6:15am and tried to pretend Hazel wasn't awake. I immediately decided it was time to plaster blackout curtains over her windows since she's been waking up way too early and acting tired long before lunch. She snuggled with me for a bit (well, I think I fell asleep and she just laid her head on my back) and then Jason got up. He sent her to her room to read books, which she did until about 7:00am. Clara woke up around then so I mustered up the energy to peel myself off of my bed. I made green smoothies and eggs for breakfast. Green smoothies because that makes me feel guiltless if I get no greens the rest of the day and eggs at Clara's request. After breakfast, I got ready for work while the girls played. I helped the girls get ready, packed my lunch (cucumbers, cave aged vermont chedder {I did not make that up}, grapes and pistachios), gathered everything for the day and headed out the door around 8:30am to drop Clara and Hazel off at the babysitter (Suzanne today since my mom is sick). I got to work around 9:15am and worked until about 5:15pm. Suzanne fed me and the kids dinner and we visited for a bit. About 6:45pm, we headed to Costco.

Hazel was exhausted from waking up too early and not taking a nap, so she fell asleep a few minutes after we got into the car at Suzanne's. My kids usually don't fall asleep in the car, but Hazel hasn't been sleeping well pretty much all of summer. I was surprisingly quick at Costco, but alas, it was still expensive. I might have to ground myself from Costco. These last few months have been rough since I seem to think a weekly Costco trip is necessary.

After checking out, around 7:45pm, I got a hot dog for Jason and went and loaded the kids and the groceries into the car. We dropped Jason's hot dog off at work and got a tour of his office. We loaded the kids back up around 8:15pm and I headed home. Still in my heels and work clothes, I carried all the groceries in, got the girls ready for bed, had prayer and scriptures and off they went to dreamland. I put the groceries away and even though I wanted nothing more than to sit and rest my achy feet, I did the dishes from the last few days. Jason usually does them, but I knew he'd be so happy to come home and not have to worry about that after a long day. Before you think I'm really nice, you need to know that's not something I do often, especially when I have loads of work to get done. But sometimes I try to be nicer than normal. I got that done and sat down around 10:00pm to work. I worked, made "munchies" (roasted lentils) until 1:00am when I started this post.

I still have lots and lots of work to do (even still, 2 days later!), but I thought it important to get this recorded. Tuesday was a long day, but it was impossible not to be grateful for so many things. At the end of the day, my heart was full and I felt so grateful. If we look for blessings and the Lord's hand in our life, we'll find them. I am so grateful that we live close to family that is willing and able to watch my kids on short notice. I know they have fun and I know they are loved and it makes it so much easier to work. As I carried in the groceries, I felt so grateful that I don't have to work every day and that I don't have to do everything alone every day. We like Jason, but I am also grateful for the opportunities he has to work over time. That won't always be there, I know because it hasn't always been there, so we enjoy it while we can. On the flip side, I am also grateful that he's such a hard worker when needed. I am so grateful for my kids. After being in heels and work clothes for 12 hours, I went to change. When I got back into Clara's room to put Hazel's pj's on, I found Clara (sitting on her kitchen) reading a book to Hazel who was sitting in the kitchen sink. It made me smile and I was grateful that I have learned to relax and instead of being upset that they weren't getting ready for bed, I cherished their silliness.

Be Fruitful

Also in April, we found out that I was pregnant. I was ecstatic and I thought being due sometime between Clara (12.21) and Hazel's (12.26) birthdays was hysterical. I was thrilled to have three December babies. It's my favorite time of year by far. I know so many friends and a few family that are due within a few months of December and I was so excited. On May 23rd, we found out I was going to have a miscarriage.

Due to a much better state emotionally and not having near the same stresses I had with my previous miscarriage, I assumed I'd be able to handle this better. But, I experienced the exact same sadness and that surprised me. I don't have the depression, just the sadness. Sadness over everything that was anticipated that will no longer happen (for now, anyway): telling people, finding out the gender, having a baby(!), having a baby at the same time as friends, etc., etc.

With that being said, I have had so many thoughts going through my head during the last several weeks. First and foremost, I don't know that I can ever reconcile the command to be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth with the struggles people deal with when trying to keep that commandment. I know of no other commandment that too often people are not able to follow through on despite their solid efforts to try and their sincere desires. I know we're all given different trials and struggles to help us become the people we need to become, but this one is just so ironic in my opinion.

I've also been reminded that peace and pain/sadness/heartache can coexist. I have felt so much sadness, but also so much peace and reassurance that even though it's hard, there is a greater plan. It's hard to understand why my "righteous" desires aren't what's best for me and my family at this time, but I still know that's the case. I know everything happens for a reason even if some things don't seem to make a bit of since. I know I need to trust in the Lord's timing. I also know as I look back at some of my other trials and struggles, unanswered prayers have resulted in my most tremendous blessings.

I love my doctor. When I had my last miscarriage, he cried, gave me a hug and told me if Heavenly Father wanted me to have a healthy baby and something was wrong with that one, I'd have a miscarriage. With this one, he told me how it seems like miscarriages come in waves for his patients and he's had a lot the last few weeks. He said he hopes this is the last one because he hates it. He said this is not why he went into this business. He is genuine, sweet and never downplays the difficulty of having a miscarriage. I also respect him for not sugar coating anything. He's very honest. He said usually miscarriages are about 1/6 of all pregnancies, so to have 2/4, that's definitely not good odds. Obviously, that's another reason for me to not start gambling. :) He explained that there is nothing I could have done to prevent or avoid it. Deep down, I know that, but it's hard not to feel like my body is a little faulty considering my odds being much higher than a "normal" person.

The day I found out, I was alone in the car a few times throughout the day. That's when I cry the most and that's when it hurts the most. There were a few times where I felt desperate to escape the feelings I was having. Surely that's why people drink and use other substances to mask their feelings. In that moment, I wanted more than anything not to feel what I was feeling. A sad heart really hurts and I wanted it gone right then. Since I don't abuse substances beyond sugar and water and I wasn't feeling real hungry, I just hummed a song. Us Mormons typically think of it as a missionary song, but the last four lines, as follows, just popped into my head and were rather fitting:

So trusting my all to Thy tender care,

And knowing Thou lovest me,

I'll do Thy will with a heart sincere,

I'll be what You want me to be.

We had told our family on Mother's Day that I was pregnant and a few friends found out as well. My last miscarriage happened a few weeks sooner and we hadn't told anyone, so we didn't have to un-tell anyone. Telling friends and family that it wasn't going to work out was hard and kind of awkward. It took me about 15 minutes to think how to phrase the text. Every time someone text back or called (I didn't feel like talking, so I didn't answer the phone), I cried because I was reminded of the situation and I also knew I was loved. I kept wondering why I would cry when someone said, "I'm sorry" and I realized it's because I had a reason for them to be sorry. I wish I didn't have a reason for people to say sorry. I was thankful for the apologies, just not loving that I had a reason for apologies.

When I got back from the doctor, Hazel asked me, "Did you get a baby?" That made me cry, of course. Then Clara came and asked me if I got to see the baby so I had to explain to her what was happening. She started crying. The next day she brought it up again and said, "That's so sad." I told her it was but it was also a good opportunity to bear testimony to her that even though we don't understand and it is sad and hard, it's important to have faith and trust that this is what Heavenly Father wants for our family.

It's so easy to focus on our misfortune and look at people that have what we want. How do some people have 6 babies with 6 pregnancies? How do some people make it through having no miscarriages? Ever? Why can't I have two consecutive viable pregnancies? How do some people never have issues getting pregnant? After I spent a fair amount of time feeling sorry for myself and feeling overwhelmed with my aching heart, I thought about my friends who haven't had children yet. I thought of people who have grown and never had kids. I thought of people who were never able to have their own kids and have adopted. I wondered why in our moments of grief it's so easy to compare ourselves to people that have what we're grieving for instead of being grateful for what we have. Sure it takes 5 months to get pregnant, but what about the person that it took 2 years? Sure I'd like 4 kids, but what about the person that always just wanted one? By late afternoon, I almost felt guilty for being so sad about this when I have two brilliant, incredible little children. I almost felt greedy thinking that I should ask to be blessed with another one. (Is there such thing as righteous greed?)

Now, I'm okay until I think about it too much. I usually cry when I do. If I do something to try to get my mind off it, like go shopping, when I'm shopping I'll think about why I'm there and the feelings all resurface. On top of being emotional, it's frustrating knowing how far back it sets things. I really struggled with that when I miscarried between Clara and Hazel. It had taken several months to get pregnant. Then I miscarried and it took several months to get pregnant again. From the time we started trying to when I found out I was pregnant with Hazel, it was almost exactly a year. This time, it took several months to get pregnant and I miscarried a few weeks later than the first. I feel like I wasted two months of my life being tired and worthless. I slacked off majorly on my work because I was so exhausted and now, we're back to square one with the expectation that it will likely take several months to get pregnant again. I'm grateful I was only 10 and a half weeks (yes the half counts), but starting over is still hard.

For the record, being sad with my own misfortune doesn't make me less excited for friends and family that I know are having babies or that are pregnant.

Jason isn't sad about it, but unlike last time, I was a lot more open with him about how I felt so even if he wasn't experiencing the same feelings and emotions as I was, he would kind of understand what I was going through physically and emotionally. Not having that support last time was really hard and I didn't want a repeat. He's been very helpful and sarcastic just enough to make me laugh. With that said, I've been grateful for family and girlfriends that knew. Some of them know firsthand what it's like to have a miscarriage and also to not have control over the timing of their family. Some of them can only imagine what it's like, but they offer support and love regardless. I had flowers, treats, a heart attacked door, a homemade apple pie (fresh from the oven) and offers to bring dinner. It makes it just a little easier to feel the peace and comfort when I am being served.

It's been 10 days since I found out things weren't right and just a week since I miscarried, yet it feels like it's been months. I feel like I'm well on my way to starting over and am grateful my energy is mostly back and for the precious family I've already been generously blessed with. God is good.