Working Mom

I've been doing some onsite work this week for a client. Whenever I start this up again, I reflect heavily on being a working mom. I will never forget the first time I left Clara for a day to work. Karen asked if I could help her out at Total Transit (aka Discount Cab) and while I had no intention of ever leaving my kids to work, I was faced with a very difficult choice: work or not pay our mortgage. We'd depleted our savings and our mortgage for that Utah house was more than our combined mortgages for our current house and our old house. Jason's income had gone down 40% and he wasn't having any luck finding a part time job. I'd been praying ever so fervently for our house to sell when I got the impression that perhaps I should pray for a way to bear that burden instead of remove that burden. Shortly after, the opportunity came and I was filled with gratitude that while the burden wasn't gone, our backs were strengthened to carry the burden a little longer.

Back to that day. Karen showed me what to do in my cube and when she left, I remembered thinking, "What am I doing here?" It felt so odd to return to the only lifestyle I'd known before Clara was born - nearly 2 years prior. I felt like I was living a double life. The project lasted for a few months and while it was only 2 days a week and Clara was mostly with Jason and occasionally with my mom on the days I worked, it was hard for me. I felt like a failure. I felt like I was destroying my hopes of being a good mom. I felt like I'd betrayed my 19 year old college self that told my communications class at ASU that my goal was to be a stay-at-home mom while everyone else rattled off career goals.

Shortly after that project, I was engaged to do another project that ended up lasting almost 2 years. It allowed us to pay for our mortgages until the Utah house sold. It allowed us to save for a new home, one we actually got to live in and enjoy. And it helped me reflect on and redefine my ideal situation as a mother. I realized that I really like to work and that in moderation, working at a client's here and there does not decrease my mothering score. It doesn't lessen my involvement in my kids' lives and it helps me refocus and have more fun when I'm not working. It provides me with an opportunity to earn a little extra money for our family (or for my camera, ha ha), it gives the kids some time with other people (I especially love it when they get time with Grandma) and it keeps me from ever feeling burnt out as a mom. Better yet, this time around, and when I worked several months ago, I have committed to short days, so I get to take Clara to school at 9am and am home around 4pm. That allows us time to run to the grocery store, make dinner and play. It's a happy balance for me. It's not permanent, just a few days here and there during busy times of the year. I have said I think I could handle working one day a week for a long period of time, but I'm not so sure about that anymore. I enjoy my 2-4 week bouts of working a few short days a week. I also enjoy my 2-4 month bouts of not working onsite.

What sparked this torrential downpour of thoughts was reading an article in Working Mothers magazine that said, "81% of working moms and 66% of stay-at-home moms say one of the ingredients of being a good mother is showing your children that women can succeed professionally." Sometimes I wish I could talk to magazines/news articles/blogs/books/etc. To this I would have said, "I too think it's important to show your children that women can succeed professionally, but showing your children that you choose staying home over pursuing that professional success is a noble, worthy endeavor. "