Overwhelmed

I'm pretty sure I'll regret this post tomorrow morning when I wake up and a.) my room is not clean and b.) I'm so tired I can't get out of bed. But, my emotions are much easier dealt with when I write them out, hence my rather large collection of completed journals. I guess I'm betting the regret will be easily soothed by the release of some recent and rather strong emotions I've been holding in.

The event that sparked my emotional thoughts are lengthy, but here's an attempt at a short recap. A lady I know is pregnant. Uh, no husband, boyfriend, blame the Dr. I was telling someone about this, completely miffed why someone would CHOOSE to be a single parent and here's the following conversation we had:

Anonymous: What's wrong with that?
Me: Um, I would just never choose to do that (I was totally shocked because this person has been taught just as I have that children deserve the right of having a loving mother and father)
Anonymous: Yeah (looking at me like I'm a fool)
Me: You would do that?
Anonymous: Oh sure, yeah
Me: Really? (still totally shocked)
Anonymous: Well, yeah, sometimes you just can't find someone you'd want to procreate with
Me: Wow, I would just never choose to do that alone
Anonymous: (now speaking to me like I'm five years old) Yeah, I bet you're probably really overwhelmed right now then
Me: ... (changed conversation)

So my dear Anonymous, here's what I would like to say to you after I've had some time to process my thoughts that were in a state of shock at the conclusion of our last conversation...

After getting over my shock factor, I decided I was a little annoyed that you labeled me as overwhelmed. I've never been easily overwhelmed. You might not know that during my Senior year in high school, I worked almost 40 hours a week and was still able to maintain good grades. And then, I started college. In four years, I earned two bachelor degrees while working full time. The physical needs a child requires does not overwhelm me like those nights I never slept only to head to work shortly after the sun rose. (Not even when I had a newborn). Finding time for a child is easier than coming up with enough time to get enough studying in before a big exam. Clearly the physical and time demands of children are anything but overwhelming (at least for one kid anyway :)).

However, I concede. You are right. I am overwhelmed right now. But I'm afraid our understanding of parenting being overwhelming differs tremendously. You see, the part of parenting that overwhelms me is the responsibility we have to teach our children right from wrong. When children come to earth, they are perfect. When they enter our lives, they are perfect. Perfect! That's something that is near impossible, if not completely impossible, to comprehend. Even so, we have an obligation to teach our children and if we don't, we will be held accountable. In case you haven't noticed, this world is very scary. There is much good in this world, but there is also much evil. Sometimes good people become single and I believe that they are blessed with the strength and guidance they need to raise children that are just as good as any that were raised by a mother and father. I know our efforts are supplemented when we find ourselves in less-than-desirable situations. But, I would never choose to raise my family alone. I can't imagine having to make parenting decisions without my husband there to help. I believe such a choice forfeits our eligibility for assistance and supplementation, which is vital for teaching our children what they need to know to be strong in an increasingly wicked world.

I Just Couldn't Resist

No, my room isn't clean.

I'm such a failure.

Okay, not really. I have gotten a lot done during my little hiatus. Each night I go to bed with every single item on my To Do list checked off. Tonight, I even got something on tomorrow's list done. I'm making progress and it feels good. There is, however, a reason I'm interrupting said hiatus to post. I have some pretty exciting news. I was going to wait, but my excitement overtook my willpower and this post began when I logged into my bank account this evening and saw this:
DO YOU SEE THAT? (My sisters do not approve of excessive use of capital letters, but I'm pretty sure this warrants them. Besides, they should be glad I didn't do this whole post in caps...)


Here's the story... Not long after our other contract fell through on our house, we got a call from some people wanting to buy the house. Their house was under contract and things seemed really strange. In general, it didn't seem real promising and based on my track record, I definitely didn't have anything to be excited about. However, things moved along very smoothly and quickly. Within a few days of the initial call, they gave us an offer (which was actually much better than the prior one) and after countering for a few days, we accepted (the first of August). They had until the end of September to close and fund. Did you know it's the first of September? Yeah, one month sooner than anticipated. Even after we signed papers (Friday), wired money (yup, we had to pay to sell our house... that's awesome, you should try it sometime) and had a copy of the recorded title (Monday), I still didn't believe it. I said I wasn't going to believe it until the loan didn't exist on my account. And as of today, it doesn't, so I guess I better start believing (until I go to sleep and start having nightmares about it).

Of course we're excited, but it still doesn't seem real. Plus, there's lots of aftermath that still needs to be attended to, so it's not all fun and games from here. Three years of financial distress is taxing, you know. And my, oh my, what a ride. Ups and downs and plenty of all-arounds. Times I thought things couldn't get worse and then they would. Times I wondered where money would come from. Times I learned more than I wanted to at the time. Times I thought it was almost over. Times I thought I'd be stuck with this huge financial burden forever. Times I thought housing would fall so low in Utah that there was no hope to get the appraisal we needed. Lots of "times" during that period of my life. Inevitably, there was a lot of learning going on too. Maybe more on that later... but maybe not because some of it is pretty personal.

I have noticed something trials. During them, they seem endless. I struggle seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. It seems things will never pass. However, once it does end, I always, always, always look back and think wow, that was quick. And look! I'm a better person because of it. Of course I also look at certain times and wonder how I ever made it through (although I always know the answer). Anyway, I have decided this is how we're going to view life once we move on. We'll look back at our earth life and think, wow, that went quick, I learned so much and I'm a much better person. Oh what a beautiful day.

This Is How the Cookie Crumbles

Before I get to the real point of this post, I must share one of the thoughts I had yesterday. We all know people that are different. You know, those people you don't consider socially "normal". However, as I sat and pondered on the character and personality traits of a certain individual I know I realized how many ways I could be a better person if only I were more like them. They are always smiling, they are so well-versed in the Gospel, they are incredibly humble and they are always willing to serve. Funny how those people that are a little weird are often such good examples. Which makes me wonder who's normalcy spectrum I'm using when I assess people, including myself...

So onto the cookies. I have so many thoughts going through my mind and lots on my plate (Clara, work, blogging, my houses {yes, both}, life, church, cute neighbor kids, commitments, our taxes, the list never ends) but here's the deal. My life needs a little order, my house needs a lot of order and I have given myself until the end of this month to get things in order. I've decided other than eating, sleeping and showering the only other thing at the bottom of my priority list is blogging. Since being organized and being starving, tired and stinky would cause me a whole new set of problems, including health issues, I have made a personal commitment not to blog until my house is in order. Blogging itself isn't necessarily a huge time waster and the journaling aspect of it makes it worth it. But my problem is I use it to avoid getting other things done, which results in me wasting a lot more time than I would if things were in better order around here. I can't just do it for 15 minutes if I have work/housework to do because I dread whatever it is I'm avoiding. I know this makes me a liar because I made promises of posts to come. They will come, just not soon. So, wish me luck, miss me and hopefully I'll get things done before the end of the month.

First Day of School

I've been meaning to do fun alphabet related things with Clara, but I always say, oh, next week when I'm more prepared. In honor of Mesa Public School's first day of classes on the 12th (and the day this post began), we started our alphabet fun. I'm going to follow the alphabet craft from No Time For Flash Cards. I really like the letters and I like that she suggests books for each theme as well.

We began with A, believe it or not. A is for alligator. Just ask Clara.

Clara, what letter is this?
Um, alligator.
No, that's an animal. What letter is it?
Um, green.
No, that's the color. What letter is it?
Um, Z.

I think it was a success. Don't you?
PS So many posts in the works... Rachel's visit, Alexis and Justin's visit and plenty of random things here and there. But so little time (I'm trying to keep my priorities in check and see where that's gotten me? A lazy, slacking blogger).

Only in the AZ Summer...

can your pilot light on your water heater be out for a few weeks and you don't even really notice.

Flashback Friday: Band

I see how it is. You aren't going to really enjoy my Flashback Fridays unless I include embarrassing pictures of myself during the most awkward part of life (as in ages 11-17). So here we go...Yup, I was in marching band for a year in high school. I've always loved music. I started playing the flute early. In fact, before I ever learned in school, Rachel taught me some basic fingerings. By junior high, I realized lots of people played the flute and I wasn't into doing what everyone else did so I switched to the oboe. In Junior High, my friend Michelle helped me learn the oboe and I played it through my Sophomore year.

In 10th grade (first grade in high school for Mesa), I was in the marching band. I was told you had to be in marching band to play with the band. This was totally discouraging to me because 1.) you can't even march with an oboe and 2.) I did not want to be in the marching band. I was part of the pit (the percussion section that sits off on the sideline) and I played the marimba (a giant, expensive xylophone). I actually really enjoyed playing it, but I didn't enjoy the fact that I sat in the stands with the band with no instrument. For every single high school football game. Everyone else got to play their instrument, but I just sat.

Anyway, one year was enough and I quit. I wish I would've been a little more assertive when my band teacher told me I had to be in the marching band to keep playing. I realized too late that I could've played with the orchestra during marching season and then play in the concert band. I don't regret much, but I do wish I had kept playing. Oboe music is beautiful and I had just gotten past sounding like a dying duck. Mostly everything about marching band was complain-worthy: the outfits, the crazies, the mandatory boring games, the early mornings, etc. However, I did enjoy learning the marimba and I did enjoy playing music. Best of all, some of my closest friends were in marching band too. Which clearly proves that not everyone in marching band is a geek. Although for some reason, I still get teased for being in the marching band... 12 years have passed (am I really that old?) and just last week someone made fun of me. I'm sure Clint was just jealous he didn't get to wear a Mexican inspired outfit, complete with blue polyester pants, white frills, cape and fuzzy blue cowboy hat.

So come on band geeks, now is your time to come out of the closet.

PS Daddio's surgery went superb. Modern medicine+faith=amazing.

I Love Them

My dad is having ablation surgery for his atrial fibrillation today. I am kind of fascinated with the procedure. It got even more fascinating to me when my dad couldn't explain exactly how the procedure works and rarely is there something he can't explain. Surgery on his heart via a vein in his leg? That's neat. It's not open heart surgery but the procedure is very intricate. He's had a Priesthood blessing. He's been in so many prayers. He's in excellent hands. But naturally I've taken some time to reflect on our relationship. I love my dad. I love that on a normal week I get to see him at least twice. Sometimes just long enough for a big hug and a quick joke, but always long enough to know he loves me.

And then there is my mom who is celebrating her birthday today. So of course I think about how much I love my mom (and how I feel so lame for not getting a better birthday gift for someone I care so much about, even though she doesn't care about presents). She told my dad, "You better not die on my birthday; that wouldn't be very nice of you." That's right Dad, not very nice. What a birthday present! A birthday present that is only slightly better than the two new tires she got yesterday. Two new tires to replace the flat ones discovered as she was leaving to take Alexis and Justin to the airport. :)

Flashback Friday: Alexis

Alexis is in town and we got to hang out today. At 14, she's my oldest niece. FOURTEEN! I remember the day Alexis was born very vividly. She was born in California and we lived in Arizona so it was a few days before I got to see her. I couldn't wait to see her but I told myself I was going to talk to Emily first so Emily didn't think I was more excited to see her new baby than her. Unfortunately, my plan didn't work. I said a quick hi to Emily and immediately went for her perfect, beautiful baby. She had big round eyes, dark hair and evenly toned skin. She had little defined calf muscles, which obviously didn't come from our side of the family. Not only that, but, she's always been very mature for her age. I remember when she could barely talked I asked her if she wanted some water and she said, "No, I'm fine, thank you." She's the best "head niece" ever. Alexis at Rachel and Don's reception. I think she's 3 and a few months in this picture.

Mr Papa taught me...

I don't remember all that I learned in History in 9th grade, but I do remember my teacher telling us why it's not good to assume. Wisdom at its finest.

However, I am always making assumptions. Today I realized most of the time they are "negative" assumptions, meaning, I assume the worst. I do it with everything. If someone at work pulls me aside, I assume it's to let me know I've done something wrong which ultimately means I'm probably getting let go. If I get to go on vacation, I'll crash and die. If I get released from a Church calling, it's because I failed. If someone calls that doesn't normally call, I assume I've done something to upset them. If you don't leave a comment on my blog, you hate me. I questioned why the last radical assumption hadn't lead to serious insecurities and low self-confidence. It's because in my mind self-confidence isn't thinking people like me, it's not caring what people think of me (within reason).

This might seem like it would cast a negative shadow on my life, but really, I think it's the way to go. First of all, if you assume the worst, when the worst happens it's not as shocking. Second of all, if you assume the worst, when something other than the worst happens, it seems pretty good, even if it's bad. But compared to worst, it's good. It's almost impossible to be disappointed. And finally, if you assume the best, anything but the best will bring you disappointment. And who wants to live life always being disappointed?

Break From Life

I am in the middle of taking a break from my regularly scheduled life while Rachel is in town visiting with her four darling kids. It's been one continuous party since Wednesday and more fun is ahead. I haven't made much time for everyday life (cleaning, working, blogging, etc.) nor do I plan on doing so until the party heads back to Utah. Until then, all you get is a picture of my awesome legs with my burned knees. Pretty cool that ONLY my knees got fried and nothing out. Pretty cool, I tell you.