Random Thoughts on Death

Well, well, well. Look who is posting again and ignoring, again, her seemingly impossible list of responsibilities. Yup, that's me. But something has been on my mind lately (other than that giant nasty cricket on my wall that I will just ignore since Jason is asleep and I'm a chicken) and I think I'll be able to better direct my focus if I get it off my mind. And the most effective way I can get things "off" my mind is to write about them.

When I get restless while I work, I browse blogs. As I was doing so tonight, I ended up at a fellow blogger's post sharing beautiful memories of her late father. Last week, a little girl in our Stake drowned so this was already on my mind. I didn't even know the family, meaning, I don't even know their name. But how can you now hear something like that and just pray for the family to be comforted? With that on my mind, reading this post got my tears and my thoughts flowing.

I don't like to think, hear or talk about death. It's silly, because it's inevitable. And it truly is just a step into the next life. But for some reason, I feel like if I talk about it, I will jinx myself or someone I love dearly. That's also silly because I know God has a plan, The Plan. If I really think about it in conjunction with my religious beliefs, which allow me to know I can be with my family forever, it shouldn't scare me as much as it does. For example. today at my mom's we were talking about the earthquake in LA. I told her when I was younger, every time I would go to visit Nikki and SaLeah, I would have this fear that "The Big One" was going to occur while I was there and I would die. I was afraid that if I ever told anyone, the chance of it happening would increase. I will be in Cali next weekend and we joked that I would die in one of the aftershocks of this earthquake. That would be just my luck. Even seeing the conversation written out feels threatening to me.

Sometimes I feel guilty realizing I probably don't have as much faith as I should regarding the topic. I wonder if increased faith would allow me to have a better eternal perspective and realize that although it may not seem so at the time, life is so short compared to the eternities. But even with all the faith in the world, can mortals ever really understand that concept? Besides, there is also the pain and hurt until you are reunited with them. A lot of times I hear people say that with what we know, it makes it easier to experience these types of things. I think I would reword this and say that knowing you will see loved ones again makes it bearable. There is still likely so much sadness and so many tears.

Sunday night I just laid in bed wondering how people that are faced with such tragedy go to bed at night. How do you go to sleep knowing your child isn't in their bed? How do you go to sleep knowing the clothes in their closet won't be worn? How do you go to sleep knowing your parent won't be there in the morning? How do you go to sleep knowing they won't be there with you to experience the things that await you in your future? How do you go to sleep knowing you will feel that void every single day for the rest of your life? I couldn't go to sleep for at least an hour as this totally consumed my thoughts. And the conclusion I came to was just as I can not comprehend the pain and heartache they are feeling, I can not comprehend the level of comfort our Savior Jesus Christ has bestowed upon them by way of the Holy Ghost during that time in their life.