Regrets

I was supposed to wake up at 4am and work. I didn't. Instead, I woke up at 7am and read my scriptures. I was supposed to work all day. I didn't. I am further behind than ever. The miscarriage, visitors and vacations this summer have sent me to an all new low of over-committing my time. All day I thought, I'm going to regret this. I spent my day making breakfast for Clara, Jordyn and Hazel. Just as soon as I'd satisfy one request, another would surface. Hazel didn't really eat her bagel and when she saw me with my green smoothie, she requested one of her own. Then we cleaned a little.

Eventually we made it to my mom's where we swam for hours with Lilly. I sat and watched Clara and Jordyn dive into the pool, play "Monkey in the Middle" with a giant, colorful beach ball, go down the slide over and over and over, jump off Lilly's shoulders and do watermelon dives. I listened to them laugh continuously. I watched Hazel play in the little swimming pool that my mom has for the little kids. I watched her go down the little roller coaster, over and over and over, lifting her hands high in the air. At first, with my help, then, on her own. I watched her smile over and over and over. I heard both of my girls giggle when they went #1 outside. I documented Lilly climbing onto the roof and jumping into the pool while the little kids stared in amazement. We all tasted warm, homemade cookies with cold milk, compliments my mother.

I helped the girls bake cupcakes as I made dinner for Jordyn's family. I watched them enjoy licking the batter bowl... and the frosting beaters. I saw them create their masterpieces and laughed with Clara when half a bottle of sprinkles fell onto her cupcake. I watched Hazel spend the entire hour decorating one single cupcake with more sprinkles than frosting.

At Landry and Keirsten's, I melted when I saw the way my girls adored baby Avery (and I might've cried a little inside, hoping they get their own baby sibling someday soon). I laughed when Hazel said, "Her has a puple swim suit on" about Avery's purple onesie. I heard them giggle and screech with Ethan and watched them give hugs. I watched their eyes light up as they interacted with cousins.

I carried Hazel into Sam's Club and held Clara's hand as we walked through the parking lot. We looked at glasses and laughed at the goofy ones. Hazel asked me if we could buy something as we walked out the door empty-handed. In the car, I listened to Hazel "read" a book and Clara play with a toy.

We came home and I looked into two tiny sets of eyes as I brushed teeth. I gave kiss after kiss. Their warm, soft cheeks are something I will miss when they grow up. We held hands, prayed together and read scriptures. I laid in a twin bed with both girls and told them about riding down the stairs in our first Snowflake house on cardboard boxes. They love stories about when I was little. We laughed and then said our goodnights and our I love you's multiple times. Walking into my room to work, I noticed Hazel's door open, which meant she had snuck into my bed. Again. I turned a light on in my dark room to find my tiny little girl snuggled under my big, white fluffy blanket, just a blink or two away from sleep. I carried her into her room and laid her in bed and watched as she practically fell asleep before I completely let go.

I came into my room, eager to document my happy day. I should be working and I will work, but today was great. I'm pretty sure in the days to come (or tonight when I'm up until the middle of the night?), I'll regret not working today. However, that will pass and never will I regret not working today.