I'm pretty sure I'll regret this post tomorrow morning when I wake up and a.) my room is not clean and b.) I'm so tired I can't get out of bed. But, my emotions are much easier dealt with when I write them out, hence my rather large collection of completed journals. I guess I'm betting the regret will be easily soothed by the release of some recent and rather strong emotions I've been holding in.
The event that sparked my emotional thoughts are lengthy, but here's an attempt at a short recap. A lady I know is pregnant. Uh, no husband, boyfriend, blame the Dr. I was telling someone about this, completely miffed why someone would CHOOSE to be a single parent and here's the following conversation we had:
Anonymous: What's wrong with that?
Me: Um, I would just never choose to do that (I was totally shocked because this person has been taught just as I have that children deserve the right of having a loving mother and father)
Anonymous: Yeah (looking at me like I'm a fool)
Me: You would do that?
Anonymous: Oh sure, yeah
Me: Really? (still totally shocked)
Anonymous: Well, yeah, sometimes you just can't find someone you'd want to procreate with
Me: Wow, I would just never choose to do that alone
Anonymous: (now speaking to me like I'm five years old) Yeah, I bet you're probably really overwhelmed right now then
Me: ... (changed conversation)
So my dear Anonymous, here's what I would like to say to you after I've had some time to process my thoughts that were in a state of shock at the conclusion of our last conversation...
After getting over my shock factor, I decided I was a little annoyed that you labeled me as overwhelmed. I've never been easily overwhelmed. You might not know that during my Senior year in high school, I worked almost 40 hours a week and was still able to maintain good grades. And then, I started college. In four years, I earned two bachelor degrees while working full time. The physical needs a child requires does not overwhelm me like those nights I never slept only to head to work shortly after the sun rose. (Not even when I had a newborn). Finding time for a child is easier than coming up with enough time to get enough studying in before a big exam. Clearly the physical and time demands of children are anything but overwhelming (at least for one kid anyway :)).
However, I concede. You are right. I am overwhelmed right now. But I'm afraid our understanding of parenting being overwhelming differs tremendously. You see, the part of parenting that overwhelms me is the responsibility we have to teach our children right from wrong. When children come to earth, they are perfect. When they enter our lives, they are perfect. Perfect! That's something that is near impossible, if not completely impossible, to comprehend. Even so, we have an obligation to teach our children and if we don't, we will be held accountable. In case you haven't noticed, this world is very scary. There is much good in this world, but there is also much evil. Sometimes good people become single and I believe that they are blessed with the strength and guidance they need to raise children that are just as good as any that were raised by a mother and father. I know our efforts are supplemented when we find ourselves in less-than-desirable situations. But, I would never choose to raise my family alone. I can't imagine having to make parenting decisions without my husband there to help. I believe such a choice forfeits our eligibility for assistance and supplementation, which is vital for teaching our children what they need to know to be strong in an increasingly wicked world.
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16 comments:
1. Yeah that's a bummer if you can't find someone to procreate with, but that just seems selfish of the mother, and unfair to the kid to raise them without a father.
2. I'm very impressed with how well you keep a journal. It's a very constructive way to deal with your emotions.
3. I'm also blown away by how much you can take on at a time. If there is more than one thing on my "to do" list, I'm stressing out.
Wow, I cannot believe that someone with our same knowledge and values would even think that was okay. It clearly states things like this in the Family Proclamation. And I agree, why would you ever want to have a child and raise him or her without a Spouse or even a partner for that matter.
I agree with what you said 100 percent. Don't regret anything my friend !
amen sista!
I couldn't have said it better! I am scared silly to teach my kids what I'm supposed to teach them! I could NEVER EVER do it without Kyle! At least I would never CHOOSE to.
Beautifully put Anna. It really hit home when you said they come here as perfect little beings. You're right. They are so perfect and that is a big and wonderful responsibility. Really makes me think about all the wonderful things Collin will actually be teaching ME!
Oh and seeing my dad raise me by himself....I promise it's hard. That girl doesn't know what she's asking for.
I feel that frustration, too. I am baffled by that. First of all it's irresponsible. Second of all, it's selfish. Third of all, that person has no clue what it really takes to raise a child. I can't even talk about it without getting riled up.
Children are too precious.
Well said.
Last night I was talking with friends about all the crazy social and political stuff going on in the world and someone said, "And we've brought children into this mess." We laughed a little but all of us felt the huge weight of raising children that have strong values in today's world. Its a hard job--one where I would gladly recruit a partner.
I can't stand people with that kind of reckless judgment and rationalization. Her poor child. What a selfish person she is. And the doctor who allowed it too. He will have to answer for his choice to choose money over a child's chance of having both parents in the home and everything that goes along with that blessing.
Amen sister.
I just kept thinking about The Proclamation - it could not state more clearly that children deserve a mother and a father.
I love that you talked about children being perfect. I don't think I've ever really thought about that but that is so beautiful and true. With my four year olds the overwhelming part isn't the physical toll (like with a baby) but the constant stress of always trying to do and say the right things and teach them all the things they need to know to be good, righteous people. Its so hard!
Amen sister. I'm glad I have a husband who supports me. If I didn't have him to call and whine about the children I think I would a bald lady my whole life. Not only is it good to have both parents to raise children it also helps with the burden of everything else that is around you. I would not choose to have a child on my own just for the sake of having one. They aren't puppies.
With all due respect to the previous commenter, I believe that situation is not at all the same as the situation you were talking about Anna. At least, it seems different to me. Of course it's possible to raise a child by yourself and to do a good job. People do it all the time. Heck, my mom did it. But children ARE affected by that lack, whether we want them to be or not. Getting yourself into a situation when you're young and then taking responsibility for that situation is one thing. Hard? Yes. For mother and child. But that's not the same thing as a grown woman knowingly and actively choosing to put her and her child into that situation. It's shortsighted and selfish.
I've noticed a lot of comments approaching this from the stand point of: "I wouldn't want to do this without my husband's help." I hear that. But to me, that's not the point at all. The point is, a child is entitled to the blessing of a father-child relationship just as much as they're entitled to the blessing of a mother-child relationship. Obviously that doesn't always happen - one or both parents might walk away or become otherwise unavailable via drinking, drugs, overworking or what-have-you. In those situations, the parent does something to rob the child of the relationship they deserve. Even though a child may be blessed with other wonderful people in their lives, that child will feel the loss of their parent, often into their adult years. The fault for that lies with the parent. But to deliberately put your child into that situation via artificial insemination??? That is the MOTHER robbing the child of their FATHER and, I'm sorry, there's no excuse for that.
Are we all just as bad that we are judging her situation. We all have our free agency and that is what she chooses to do with hers. Maybe none of us would choose that for ourselves but at least she will be the one to deal with whatever consequences may come and no one else will have to.
totally disagree with the previous comment.
"but at least she will be the one to deal with whatever consequences may come and no one else will have to" oh, you mean no one else except the innocent CHILD.
anyway, anna, how long does it take to clean your room, seriously? do i need to come down and help? or, alternately, you could just give in to the mess. my room hasn't been "clean" for years.
I'm with Rachel. I miss your posts! ;)
I may regret commenting on this one, but I feel impressed to say something. I have a very good friend who is single and wanted a baby desperately for as long as she could remember. When she was nearing 40, she realized that prince charming (or even prince not-so-charming) wasn't coming, but she still very much wanted a child. Women don't have the same options men do and she realized she wouldn't have the opportunity for much longer. So she decided to have IVF. Her daughter is now 14 and I believe if you asked her, she would tell you she'd rather her mom had IVF then never have had her at all.
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